Free

Do you have to rattle the birds cage
to make it want to leave?
If the bird doesnt want to leave
but you know that it would be happier
outside in the open air,
what should you do?
You know that when you shake it
the bird will get angry at you.
But you do it because its the only way
to make the bird understand
what it feels like to be without a cage.
The bird might not love you like it used to
and you might hate yourself for it
and want your bird back
but you know that the bird is happier
when it is free from you.
Sometimes you need to
let the birds be with the birds.
And you need to not look out the window
because its not your bird anymore
and it doesnt want to be watched.
even though you never wanted to shake the cage.
all you wanted was a bird in your cage,
But thats not your bird.
That bird is free.














Not my bird.

My Car

1990 Volvo 740 gl

pesky ring

this is a transferring of writting onto my blog so here

theres a ringing in my ears.
its not all bad.
its kinda like a little reminder
of the beautiful music that i was hearing.
its kinda like a reminder
that i didnt listen as closely as i could have.
i miss the music.
and the ringing
doesnt sound all that good to me.
it keeps me from sleeping.
it distracts me from my deepest thoughts.
the ringing almost physically hurts my ears.
but i dont want it to stop just yet.
because when it stops
it will take a little part of me with it.
little hairs in my ears.
i can never listen the same way again
and the ringing is all i have left.
each day it fades a little more.
one day the ringing will be gone,
but it might not completely fade away,
i hope i remember the feeling
of listening to that beautiful music.
the symphonies of stringed instruments softly singing
one day it will fade away.
and stop its infernal ringing.
one day ill be able to fall asleep.
one day.
when i am able to sleep
it will come with reluctant acceptance.
ill dim to half-consciousness.
ill dream about the days when i still had my ringing.
my sweet ringing.


for ef

Yellow Traffic Lights

No one that i know of 'likes' these shy little guys. They are universally disliked just because theyre stuck with the worst job. They only last a few seconds and people dont look at them with a smile, they say "oh i missed the green!" or "damn i got stuck with the yellow!" I dont like that. Thats why im sticking up for my friends that i respect very much, i love yellow lights. They dont stick around very long and i appreciate them for what they are. Cheers to yellow lights!





This post used to have more personal information but i changed it because i reconsidered how much i want the internet knowing about me. This post is now solely about yellow traffic lights

Back To You

Ive been a bad blogger. not keeping up with you. i wish the reason was that i have a life.

im torn between what i think i feel and what i think i should feel.
i should bring up the courage to talk to her about it but i really think i should wait it out and so i know what i think.
gaaahhh! i was almost certain i had it figured out. i was so close too...

eventually ill figure it out. its coming to me i feel it.
so i guess ill never figure anything out

here for you:

taken with Holga 120CFN on 35mm film (nothing i say or do can do her justice, magical)
i kind of admire this telephone pole for staying put as long as it did.
its in a riverbed in camarillo within walking distance from my house.
its mostly dry, very fine sand. but when it rains hard, it floods and it stays put.
theres more to this pole than anyone can understand.
underneath the scorched sand is a sturdy root which must go at least as far down as it goes up.




Taken with Nikon EM (my little Emily)
this is in my back yard. i was sitting there listening to the morning getting wasted.
i noticed a little green weed flourishing from the crack in between two adobe bricks.
i love this shot because at the time em had no battery so her light meter was merely dead weight.
but i just happened to get the exposure perfect.
sort of a 'anti-lomo' event that almost never happens.

well thats all for now.

Realization

Anonymous-
"This is really out of the blue, but have you ever felt just really lonely, but not lonely as in a loner type of lonely. I mean, surrounded by people all the time, really social, but felt out of the loop and frustrated because you don't have people that truly understand you? That's how I feel and I have a feeling that you might know how it is."

John-
"you have no idea... or maybe you do
but that is my entire life
i thought i had you but i realizd you dont fully understand me and i dont fully understand you
but thats ok
im happy for what i have and stopped being sad for what i dont have
i came to a point where i just started living
not worrying about having anything big
but the little things
like breathing, i imagine some people cant breathe or they need an oxygen tank or something like that
just exhale as much as you can then breath in as much as you can
its the oxygen in the air and you take it into your lungs and then the oxgen goes to your blood how cool is that
thats somethng that you will always have as long as youre healthy
you can take the sad-lonely and turn it into ready-lonely
youre ready for the next thing and no matter what it is, you have control over howw it affects you
you dont need people
being lonely is great
you win

i dont think im better than anyone by saying this
im just saying its my escape from hurting my walls or myself internally or externally

im not being naive either because i dont HAVE to give a shit about anything
if i want to then i will but it will be on my own accord
i won, _____, im happy
im lonely, not emotionally stable, i stutter and shake when im nervous, i push my opinions out to everyone especially the people who have polar opinions and im disliked for that,... etc.
but im happy because i have my hot air balloon to fly away and not look down because theres much more in the clouds
at first you see the neat little city on the ground and the clouds seem to messy to be of any value
but then you look deeper and notice they take the shape of anything they want
if im a cloud then im a cat then a turtle then maybe ill be a boat
then ill decide that ill like to join another cloud then ill break away and be a whale
if im the city then all ill ever be is a city i could be clean or dirty but to the clouds i will always look the same

hope this clarifies anything
dont ever be sad about anything
you can choose how you feel its all in your head"

We are losers...

We all lose in the end.
What do i care if i lose too soon.
I'll just start a new game, see how long i last.