sleeping is overrated
its a waste of time
you just sit there and do nothing

i wish i could sleep

hehe

Im so incredibly lonely!

Last week my grandma fell and hit her head. She fell on monday night/tuesday morning at 12:30. At 12:45 while my mom was calling the ambulance i was holding my grandmas hand. She was looking deeply into my eyes, but in a way not deep at all, and as i heard her last groans of pain her lips trembled as if she was going to say something her eyes then became glassy with a far away look about her face. She then stopped making eye-contact with or responding to anyone. Then the paramedics came in and hooked her up to the machine to read her heart beat and asked their questions. they took her away. then a few minutes later me my mom and my dad went to the hospital that they took her to, st. john's. We met my uncle there. i saw my grandma in her bed, she looked like she was in the deepest sleep you could be in and still be alive. The doctor said that she had a severe amount of bleeding in her head and was brain dead. My two brothers arrived very soon after that and the priest arrived. He was a Romanian Catholic priest but she is a Roman Catholic. It was good enough though and he did the little ritual thing that they do. I went home with my brothers. It was the middle of the night and there were no cars on the road so my brother went as fast as his car would allow. so as were neared 95 mph things felt slow motion. it was the strangest and most empty feeling i have ever felt. She died wednesday morning.

my mom thinks im crazy
she is reading me a book called "divine prescriptions"

It's Not Fair

its not fair for this to be happening to me
i want to stay happy and confident and nice and normal all the time
when i turn to the other side of myself i cant be happy
now katy doesnt like me because i have this... disability?... fucking curse and she never will get it
i need some of those happy pills that my grandma takes
i can be helped
i can be treated
before it gets worse
this isnt going to win
i promise myself

I Feel Evil Creeping In

There is something wrong with my head. I act normal and happy sometimes then for absolutely no reason at all I start acting like I'm slipping into depression. i have a great life. but sometimes i think that i don't deserve it and no one really likes me and no one will ever like me and i should get used to being alone. then i am motivated and want to succeed in school and see my friends and give the whole world a hug. I don't know why this is happening to me. i don't know how i can stop this. I feel like im developing bipolar disorder. as long as I have known I have been like this but now it is getting more severe and more frequent and is actually starting to affect my life. I might need psychiatric help. or that might just be worse because I will be labeled as crazy and I couldn't get a job. I don't know what to do. the more I fight this the harder it hits me. I need help I need a cure. I can't keep living like this, i keep fucking things up that can't be fixed when i go back to being happy. let's go back to when I was a cute little kid without a care. back when I was stable. and back when I said things, drew things, wrote things, thought things that only I understood. well I guess nothing has changed in that way. i still want my old mind back.

when they used to execute people with the electric chair i imagine that all the lights in the whole town dimmed and flickered until the person being electrocuted was dead.

i just seem to always want what i cant have
i don't want things just because i cant have them
its just that when i want it and i could easily have it if it were not for the slightest little detail
then it just stays on my mind
i don't think im selfish
i just don't think that its a coincidence

i got into a car accident today
no one was hurt
except for madeleine
but its only the signal light
i'll get her a new one this week
i guess im not invincible
i can lose control and crash
im pretty lucky i guess

i have too much time on my hands
i never get anything done
if i had less time then i would get more done

im going to treat madeleine better form now on
its not fair of me to just be careless enough to let her get scarred

you will get better soon i promise



oh who am i kidding
its not that bad... right?
poor thing